Today started out fairly well but now it's going downhill. I've learned that another "friend/associate/acquaintance" feels that I've neglected them but said nothing for fear that it would make me feel bad.

I'm really starting to feel like I need to become a hermit or something. Or maybe just get offline all together and stop dealing with people. Right now, though I understand where everyone who has this complaint is coming from, I feel right now like I'm not allowed to have a life that is apart from my roles as mom/daughter/sister/friend/shoulder to cry on/writing partner.

I find myself asking questions that have no immediate answers. Such as, am I not allowed to pursue MY dreams? Does everyone always have to pin their happiness and reality on me and then get pissed when I can't support the weight? Can I not disappear into my imagination for a little while and have a vacation? Must I always put myself last so that I can help everyone else be first (not that I mind because sometimes I don't want to be ambitious or even the leader) and then when I want me time to de-stress, am I not allowed to take it?

I was told that I have too much stress and that I should maybe let some things go to keep me sane. I feel like throwing my hands up and becoming an hermit. But wait, I forgot, I have kids. Well maybe as close to a hermit as I can become. I'm seriously thinking that the whole mantra "make your life simple" would probably be a blessing (boring maybe but less stressful).

I don't know. What would happen to everyone if I did drop offline and checked out of my life in the real world for a few months? Or even a year? Would I have the same perspective? Or would I change? Would I view things differently and maybe use different approaches to life when I came back? I'm not sure. But the idea of going away so that I can't upset or hurt anyone's feelings is starting to have major appeal right about now.

Did the title snag your attention? Good. Because it's how I feel. Insanity is once again reigning supreme. So come, pull up a chair, and welcome to my unreality.

Unreal moment #1: Sibling Drama
My youngest sister and her fiance decided to move their wedding from Sept 19 to July 19. The catch, they waited three weeks before the July date to say anything to us. Shady reasoning aside, it caused lots of chaos, hurt feelings and anger. I was so stressed from it all that I finally blew up which surprised my sister and her man. Mainly because when I blew up I cried. I always act tough so when people see me with tears they freak out and don't know how to handle that.


Unreal moment #2: Tantrums
Between my 2 1/2  year old and my 8 year old, the temper-tantrum throwing is out of control. I literally feel like throwing myself off the nearest cliff, it's gotten that bad. The shrink says at least for the toddler that tantrum throwing is normal because she doesn't have the vocabulary to express herself. The older one, however, is doing it out of a need to be noticed. Lovely, just lovely.


Unreal moment #3: Not as friendly as I thought
Well in the last few weeks I've been told by two people who I respect and who mean a lot to me, that I've been less of friend than I thought I was being. It wasn't that I was purposefully being inconsiderate but because I was so focused on something else in my life, they ended up feeling neglected. I didn't mean to do that, in fact hadn't realized I wasn't reciporcating (listening when they talked about stuff that was important to them). So that caused stress.


Unreal moment #4: Nice ex, kind ex
Dingledork has been acting unusually nice lately and it's scaring me. I won't freak out unless he gives me just cause but dang if I know why he's trying to kill me with kindness.


So pardon me while I come out from hiding. I'm afraid something else may come and rain down on my head.

I have to share this very cute adorable moment with you. Courtesy of my youngest child.

I took my 2 1/2 year old to see Transformers 2 (did I mention she's obssessed with Optimus Prime and Bumblebee?) last week. It was her first trip and my second one (first one was with my oldest daughter, her paternal grandmother and aunt who had come down from VA to visit).

Anyhow, the previews are almost over and you know how the house lights go dark after the previews and the movie begins? Well we're sitting there and the lights go dark. My little proclaims loudly and at the top of her little lungs: "The lights went out! What happened? It's dark in here!"

This of course amused those around us who had to chuckle and my little one's obvious concern. It took a moment to reassure her that we would survive the lights going out.

The other thing I want to share about my movie experience with my little one is this: She avidly watched the first hour and slept through the rest, including the credits. Now how you like them apples?

What a way to go back to writing but I had to post because Michael Jackson was one of those entertainers that I grew up hearing his music and liking his dancing. He will be missed.

Who knew that my quiet weekend would be turned on its head because of an act of violence? Most certainly I didn't think that. All this insanity happened on Saturday and has now put me in a position of trying to do the best thing for everyone concerned.

Any way here's what happened:

Saturday afternoon: I call Dingledork's mother's house to speak with my little girl who is laughing, giggling, and blowing a whistle. I chat with my youngin' and then hang up. I notice that Dingledork doesn't answer the phone but he had mentioned that he was taking his CBL test so I figured that's where he was.

About thirty minutes after the call to my daughter, my phone rings and it's Dingledork. He starts off the conversation by stating the obvious, he's not with little one. I tell him I know he's not at his mom's house because I'd already talked to my daughter. That's when the conversation got crazy.

Dingledork: Well, I need to talk to you about something

Me: Sure go ahead.

Dingledork: Let me get it all out before you talk, ok?

Me: sure, sure.

Dingledork: My mom has banned me from the house and told me I can't come back until I go to a shrink. She won't let me get little one from her either. And I don't know what to do.

Me: Um, what? Excuse me....what do you mean you are banned from the house?

Dingledork: Me and my brother got in a fight and mom kicked me out, blamed it all on me.

Me: What were you fighting about?

Dingledork: He put a pellet gun in my face and said he would shoot me if I didn't get little one to stop screaming in her time out.

I'm going to take a moment to break from the conversation to say a few things. 1) Dingledork proceed to spend the next twenty minutes presenting me with his version of the story and  working my emotions into a frenzy. 2) I'm ashamed to say I let him manipulate me (again!) especially when I know better to take everything he says and face value and always look for the real story behind his words for eye witnesses.

The long and short of what he told me was this: His brother was on the phone with his girlfriend. Little one was putting into a timeout because she was telling Dingledork no when he was trying to get her to sit down for lunch. Now little one does scream (and I might add, extremely, extremely loud) so I know it can be rather annoying. Anyhow his brother comes out of the room and puts a "a pellet gun" in Dingledork's face and threatens to shoot if Little One isn't made to be quiet. Dingledork says that he told his brother "three times to get the gun out of my face before I do something about it." His brother didn't listen and so Dingledork jumps him. knocking him to the floor where he puts him in "a chokehold" until his brother dropped the gun. He let him go and is pulled away by his mom and sister. His mother kicks him out, tells him to go cool. As he's trying to leave, his brother comes out of the bedroom with a knife and is going to stab him with it.

That was the story Dingledork told me. But what bothered me the most was when he informed me that my little girl was sitting on the couch and saw the whole thing. So I hung up with him and called my family to get suggestions on what to do about getting my daughter from his mother. My sister Cha tells me to call and talk to his mom and sister first and get their story. I'm glad I listened to Cha because the story they told was vastly different from Dingledork's in several ways.

1) It was not a real gun but a plastic kid's gun with plastic beads in it
2) He did put his brother in a chokehold but did not let go when his brother dropped the gun. Instead he choked him until his brother was gasping for air and that was about the time that his mom and sister finally managed to pull him off his brother.
3) His brother did go to get something to come back and hurt Dingledork with but it wasn't a knife.

His mother then tells me that she will bring my daughter to me but that I should not allow Dingledork access until after he's gotten some help from his shrink and is medically cleared. She also said that she would stand on my side if I had to go to court to get the visitation revoked. "My son is unwell and is not fit to be taking care of anyone in the state he's currently in."

Wow! I was stunned by all this but asked them to bring my daughter to me.

But wait, it gets better. After my initial conversation with Dingledork where he fanned the flames of my anger, I was supposed to call him back. Well once I got the whole story I didn't want to deal with him. Almost an hour and half elapsed before he called my house. Here's how it played out

Dingledork: (extremely eager tone) Did you call the cops?

Me: No, Dingledork, I didn't call the cops.

Dingledork: (bafflement) Uh, why not?

Me: Because I decided to get your mom's side of the story before I went charging up there and causing a problem when there might not need to be one.

Dingledork: I see. What did she say?

Me: Quite a bit actually which made me reevaluate what you said.

Dingledork: Oh? (hint of anger)

Me: Yes. But first I wanted to let you know I do have little one.

Dingledork: Can I come see her?

Me: No, and I'm going to tell you why. So let me finish before your chime in. You LIED to me Dingledork. You said your brother pointed a "gun" at you.

Dingledork: HE DID!

Me: A toy gun Dingledork, a toy gun for pete's sake! The way you told it, you made it sound like an actual weapon not some child's toy!

Dingledork: It was a GUN! And I had the right to defend myself!

Me: Dingledork, your brother is 13 yrs old and your 28! This whole mess could have been avoided if you had just walked away. And ten to do what you did in front of little one, that was wrong on your part.

Dingledork: So now you're against me too! I see how it is.

Me: (weary tone) Not against you. I'm on our daughter's side. And I can tell you right now, she's traumatized. When they brought her home I asked her where's daddy and she looked me in the eye with this frightened look on her face and says "dada hit uncle bug and uncle bug was crying."

This is when Dingledork realized that I wouldn't budge so he shifted tactics to say stuff like "I'm a screw-up," "I really f--d up!" "I deserve this," etc. You get the idea. So then when that didn't work he started saying, "I love my brother. I'd never hurt him."

That statement pissed me off and gave me flashbacks to when Dingledork would say those last four words to me, right before he rape me. So that instantly put me in evil mode and I replied to his statement with "You don't choke a person if you love them. And if you'd never hurt him, why did you attack him in the first place over a toy?"

But of course no matter what I said, Dingledork ignored me and kept repeating those same two sentences over and over. Finally he hung up after making a snide comment to me.


So that is how my Saturday went. Hope everyone else had a better weekend than me.

Yeah I'm staring out my window watching the rain fall on our poor parched earth and I'm glad. Yet at the same time I'm annoyed. I hate wet and cold. That's why I left my home state of Virginia and moved south. I couldn't take the cold, snow or the cold rain.

But that's ok. Rain makes me contemplative. Yeah I know, that makes me dangerous *rolls eyes* but seriously, rain does make me that way. So here are some of my random thoughts in no particular order.

1) I hope that therapy will help my daughter calm down and be the sweet adorable person I know is lurking somewhere in that body.

2) I hope that my dreams of becoming a writer are not all smoke and mirrors.

3) I hope my sister's dance studio continues to improve and that we double the amount of students we had this year.

4) I keep looking at next year's calendar and smiling wistfully at September which is when I'll be finished with my online education and will hopefully have my Bachelors in Accounting.

I think that's all the crazy stuff in my head. Good night all!

Though I don't celebrate holidays, I find it strangely ironic that a whole bunch of craziness decides to happen to me on the one day out of the year that our country has designated as the day to celebrate motherhood and all things a mother does. Curious yet? Good. Now let me tell you a story....

I was on my way to church when I thought I noticed steam coming from underneath the left side of my hood. I dismissed it at first because I had just came around a curve and the sun was in my eyes.

I continued driving for another ten minutes, when once again I thought I saw steam. This time I actually looked at my gauges and noticed that the one that reads temperature was one mark away from the red flag. My first thought was aw crap followed by oh god! because the little handle swung up to the red flag and the alarm started blaring just as a ton of steam starts pouring out from underneath the entire hood.

I pulled off the road and into the grass and turned off my car. Steam was still coming out. I sat there trying to calm my racing heart as I grabbed my cell phone to call my sister. Well I guess maybe we are mind readers because at the moment I touched it, my cell starts ringing and it's my sister wanting to know why I hadn't made it to church yet. I quickly explained the situation and she said she'd call mom and get her to come to me.

Five minutes later my cell rings and it's my younger sister's fiance calling to tell me what he needed me to do. After I got off the phone with him I popped the hood and put it up. I then called my mom and explained to her where I was exactly.

As I settled in to wait for help, I started counting the number of vehicles/motorcycles that went by without stopping. I even enlisted Alea's aid with the counting.

Finally 34 cars and 1 motorcycle later, a police officer stopped to help. He put a gallon of water in my very empty radiator thingy. And he stayed until my mom got there. They added two more gallons and we tried to find the leak.

Needless to say we didn't find anything and I drove back home with my mom following me to make sure I got back.

Yeah, Happy Mother's Day Kis!

That's right! Today is April 15 and my last day on the job, at least for the 2008 tax season is over.

If you haven't filed your taxes yet you need to do so. You have until midnight and most tax offices H & R Block, Liberty Tax, etc are open until that time to assist you. Don't dawdle! The IRS has no problem with slapping you with late fees and interest charges if you miss the deadline or fail to file for an extension!

Now off the subject of taxes. My first draft of my first novel is a chapter and half away from completion! *does the funky chicken dance* That's right I'm excited!

I was however bummed to get my first rejection letter from a short story contest I entered. That's ok though. I will be entering my short story in a different contest and I'm hoping to have better success in that arena.

Other than that I'm good and so are my kids. And on that note, I'm outtie at least for now.

Yes, I haven't posted in like forever but I fell into a rhythm that is now changing to a slower pace. But here's the skinny.

 

1) Work at H&R Block. [That's right, "you got people!"]

2) continue with my online education via Kaplan University as I pursue my Accounting degree

3) get along with Dingledork.

4) Finish writing the first draft of my first novel. [I have two more chapters to do!]

5) Sleep when and where I can.

 

Yep that about sums it up. Oh and read a ton of books!

I know, I know. I'm slacking. Badly. It's been what a month since the last entry. *sighs* guess I've broken one of my 2009 resolutions which was to update weekly. So anyhow here is how my last month has gone:

1. Alea's behavior has been atrocious and resulted in her being grounded. She also has reverted to throw tantrums, talking back and finally attacking other kids. She's been sent to the principal's office twice. Yeah fun times at Parent High.
2. Dingledork has been behaving well which is a relief because I want 2009 not to be an insane year full of things that make me cry.
3. Been doing a lot and I do mean a lot of reading.
4. Finished off another chapter of my Moonbeams novel as well as a chapter for my shapeshifter novel which i hope to have finished by march. then comes all the rewrites....
5. Started working again at HR Block and this year has been interesting to say the least. Of course having repeat customers always puts a smile on my face.
6. I've managed to score 2 A's in my college courses which had me grinning from ear to ear.
7. The little one Shena, has been suffering the terrible twos. Yeppers, lots of timeouts going on in this household.

I think that covers everything...oh wait, did I mention that I have a really bad cold right now?